Yes, I gave it a name, because patience of any type deserves a title. I have been neglecting my blog and writing. Primarily due to the constant attention my children seem to need with their 24/7 presence in my house. With me. ALL day.
With chauffeuring them to and from BFE, shopping and packing for camps, visiting museums, applying suntan lotion to wiggling bodies, checking out countless library books (and paying the fines because we forget to return them on time)…….I was done.
Approximately 80 days……. 1,920 hours of togetherness. I was well past done.
Below is an excerpt of a journal entry that I penned when my Summer Patience began to show cracks in its pretty, shiny suntanned surface.
I am not writing this to get sympathy, or encouragement that summer will end (because it will!). I am sharing this to showcase another part of my life. Another part of me that most don’t see.
August 18, 2014
However alone I am….I am never without my reality. Kids, family, money concerns, dreams. They weigh heavy on my shoulders, my heart, and my mind.
So, in other words, I am never alone. And that alone, can be depressing.
A parent never is alone. Our children and their lives are imprinted into our brains. Our skin. Our habits. We swear we never want this to leave us. That we love the job of nurturing them. Shaping them to become wonderful adults that will better the world.
Then, I have moments of clarity when I get tapped on the shoulder. That other side of myself that craves to be paid attention to. The “me” in Mommy likes to make an appearance quite often and sometimes I ignore her.
In our attempt to give our kids all we can……. Attention, love, and especially most of ourselves, we lose our “me” somewhere. Mine gets lost quite regularly and I am worried that she may not return at times.
My kids are cute, funny, and full of love. I love them more than anything in this world. But I don’t have the urge to just sit with them 24/7. I don’t want to cuddle constantly or bow to their every whim, whimper, or tantrum. I can only take so much before I crave my alone time.
Hubby gave me a get out of jail free card yesterday. One night away. So, I took it. (I am not crazy!)
I left the house and dimmed the parent light a bit. When I am able to allow myself to take center stage, I find the strength to dig deep into my reserves. I recharge.
I think Hubby sensed my breakdown before I did. He is the referee in this game of life we play everyday. He saw a need for a time out. He made the call. Smart man.
I never claimed I was good at this mom thing. I actually think I suck at it although Hubby disagrees. This is why I keep him around. (There are other reasons too, but I won’t dwell on those in this piece.)