Something More

I have not written anything on my blog for a few weeks. I took a break. Accepting that I needed some time was not an easy one.  I have a bad habit on not focusing on the here and now. Always living my life for one certain event.

Over the past 2 weeks, I lived each day and acknowledged that my life was mine to live, however I see fit.  I wanted to step back and settle my nerves……and the voices in head. I have learned that a lot of people have this inner voice. Most writers engage with it quite regularly, so I decided to listen a bit closer to what I needed.

 

ME vs. MYSELF

I have always hated confrontation. Growing up, I despised rocking the boat and causing conflict. As I entered into my thirties, I realized that while I was busy making everyone else happy…I was not. Appeasing others kept me busy. The type of mindless busy-ness where you stand around smiling and nodding, but never really caring about the outcome. I was faking it.

Confronting my own negativity has been a cruel and never ending battle. Recognizing the tornado of emotions swirling inside was painful and depressing.  My habit of denial never allowed sadness, hurt, or anger to surface. They just swirled….building until I felt overwhelmed.  The fury that would then explode, left a path of destruction. Self-destruction in not pretty.

 

SOMEDAY

I began blogging to achieve my “something more”. I finally defined what this was to me: Becoming a published author. Writing daily was therapeutic and calming. But at the same time, I was frustrated. Where blogging satisfied my writing itch, I realized that my goals were misconstrued. I only blog once a week, so this left free time. I had time to build myself as a writer, but I tended to shy away from anything writing related. The other day, I was talking with a friend about how I love to write…..some days.  We chatted about my goal of publishing a novel…..that may happen…….someday.

 

I confessed that even after leaving my full-time job, my personal goals were still being filed under that familiar SOMEDAY tab.  Losing my focus when writing was causing me anxiety. This was my “something more”, damn it! Where’s the satisfaction I craved?

Thoughts invaded my head of quitting. Just be a mom and enjoy the next million years until they leave the house. Should establishing myself as a published writer wait for another time? Like when pigs fly?

 I chalked this up to my typical behavior. You see, I am an instant gratification junkie. Thriving on and sometimes overdosing on the short-lived thrill. 

My friend listened to my SOMEDAY excuses. She asked if I had written my first chapter yet I could feel my cheeks flush. Admitting the truth embarrassed me. The truth was no, I had not written a chapter. I had not even expanded my outline or ideas onto a measly first page.  

Next came the tough question……

 

“What are you waiting for?”   

 

Admit the Truth

We all have other duties in our life. We all make excuses. We all face the challenges of making time to focus on a dream, to pursue a goal, or to slow down and recognize that you do hold the power over your own life.

 

 I realized…..the things you are searching for to complete your life…… are found inside of you.  I needed to stop looking elsewhere. I needed to stop using my fear of failure as a crutch.

If I never sit down and create this novel, my story will never be shared. If I never send it in for publication, I will not get a rejection letter. If no one reads it, I will never hear the negative criticism.  That’s the inner voice of fear talking. On the flip side, if I continue to allow fear to rule my life,  I will never experience success. I will never see my book in print. I will never achieve  my “something more”.  

No…..I will not wake up tomorrow and tell my children that it is OK to fail at whatever they do. BUT, I will make sure to teach them not to let the fear of failure rule their lives.  Straight A’s, awards, and winning games are all great accomplishments, but there is so much more to it.

  If you never TRY something just because you MAY or MAY NOT fail, well……..you will never know what you missed along the way.  

I may type a million first pages and fail 999,999 times.

BUT that 1 page that makes it into my book, will be worth all the others failures before it.