My usual Sunday posting did not happen. I ignored my laptop. I refused to pick up a pen. I felt extremely guilty because I am a person who thrives on schedules and organization. I decided to wait until this morning because I needed to let my mind rest a bit. Oh…. the hell with it….. I’ll just be blunt….. I needed to figure crap out.
After a full 5 days of family and constant activities, this morning gave me a chance to sit and think. My house is rarely quiet. So today, with the kids safely delivered to school, my hubby away at his office, and the TV off…..I listened to the silence. Silence is never void of sound. The definition of silence varies for each individual. My silence is filled with a type of calm that I seldom embrace.
Sitting at my “desk” (a.k.a. the kitchen table), I concentrate on the echoing tick-tock of the kitchen clock. The water rushing through the dishwasher. The hiss of the heated air exiting the vents. I found solace in the wind chime’s melancholy tune. All of this, each second, lasts a lifetime. In the same thought, each moment is gone in a blur.
Over the past week I have doubted my journey. Am I pursuing the right path? Am I being disillusioned that I can make a career out of my love for writing? I have guilt because I lack the college degree. I have doubts because I get distracted. I get frustrated when cannot put some of my thoughts into elegant script. I get angry when I am enveloped into a piece only to stop because “Mommy Duty” calls.
Being strong is all a state of mind. But what happens when your mind lets in the what-if’s? I know WHO I am. Is it wrong to want more? I don’t feel that my “bio” is complete. My main concern is how can I achieve more without sacrificing time with my family? Being selfish has always been my downfall. Maybe it is that dreaded single-child syndrome I have been accused of having…….maybe it is just the way I am programmed.
As I read my ramblings above, I hope I have not bored you to tears with my pity party. I wanted to share my thoughts. Releasing this onto paper helps me cope with the negative funk I have been dealing with. I know there are others out there that feel this way. I have heard the stories first hand. But, in the moments of self-doubt you seldom remember you have company
I am not perfect. I am not extraordinary. I am just me, learning how to live this life that I have been given. This was a “bump” in the road. A small detour where I embraced the silence. I allowed myself to be reminded of the reason for my journey.
“Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there’s love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” —Ella Fitzgerald